Vulnerably sharing is one of the things that a woman want most from a man, and it can also be one of the most difficult thing for a man. A man being challenged in sharing his feelings is not a new subject or perhaps doesn’t sound that interesting. But, vulnerability is key to creating a healthy loving and juicy relationship.
Vulnerability traditionally means a place in which one can be injured. I like the image of the vulnerable places in the Knight’s suit of armor (namely the neck, armpit and even back of the thigh are the vulnerable places). In this example the vulnerabilities can mean being seriously wounded or killed, and for some men, that’s how it sometimes feels to share a hurt, pain or shame.
In my experience, vulnerably sharing a fear or insecurity has often felt like pulling teeth. Sharing anger is often easy, but confiding in what is underneath is not just scary, but also can take some practice in even figuring out those deep-seated emotions. Usually what is locked away is sadness. Rather than “going there”, I have often ignored or hidden the thing that could have been shared. It then becomes this secret internal burden that I must bare alone. And that ultimately will turn into shame or guilt.
There are different methods we employ to avoid our hurt and pain. One of the most common ways is to ‘numb oneself’ with external sources like porn, alcohol or obsessive shopping to name a few. Another way to avoid dealing with internal issues and struggles is to ‘project it’ outward. Projecting our pain onto others is when we blame and find faults in what others say and do, rather than looking at our role in our feelings. Projecting our pain can be done in such a subtle way that it becomes imperceptible and we are convinced what we’re saying is Truth.
Another avoidance technique is what Brene Brown calls “stockpiling hurt”. This is where we commit to keeping everything inside a secret. We shove so much pain down internally that we become sick, for example, our back goes out or something physically manifests.
A man not sharing what’s inside is what many women experience as an unpleasant masculine trait. It is a topic that I have heard many women complain about as an obstacle to deepening into intimacy with their beloved. And it is something that they often don’t understand because of the differences in the way we are “wired” and culturally raised.
I am here to remind you (and myself), that sharing vulnerably with our partners, wives, and girlfriends has two amazing benefits.
- It relieves stress. It unburdens the soul and is a key in personal growth.
- A man vulnerably sharing is a big turn-on for women. What man doesn’t want more pleasure and perhaps better sex!
It may be a strange thought that vulnerably sharing with your woman can actually create turn-on, but it does. A woman opens through hearing her partner share his pain. He becomes more trustable which is the foundation for deep and intimate sex.
Guys…. The most important thing is to open to the idea that being vulnerable is GOOD. That you are not weak. That you are in fact choosing to live as a conscious man. That you can trust another. That you can open your heart and show some of your scars.
The thing to think about next is how to share in a way that authentic but also free unhealthy victim mentality.
You can even call me, I’m happy to support you!
If you want to learn more about creating more intimacy and better sex, please check out my upcoming men’s five-month group program.